Why You Achieve Everything Except Your Wildest Dreams

Clear path. Lesser goal. Can’t lose.

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

I used to date. It was a fucking blast, and I was terrible at it. Literally, no one I’ve ever dated became a serious relationship, until the pandemic rendered dates impossible and I met my current partner — hey! two years together! — via being witty on the Internet and we got close by binge-watching sitcoms in our PJs. I’ve got to imagine, had we met the traditional way, that I’d still be single and probably living a meager, anonymous existence in the New Mexico desert.

Before every date, I would look in the mirror and tell myself: “You can do this; don’t fuck this up.” Then I’d get all gussied up to meet my next potential partner for drinks and/or food and proceed to … well, do exactly what I told myself not to do.

The dates were never bad, per se — minus one woman I met for Ramen who drove drunk to the date — but they ultimately ended in only one of three ways:

1. We’d hook up.
2. We’d agree to become friends.
3. We’d never speak again.

We would never take our relationship to the “next level”. For a long time, I blamed myself: “You’re not good enough, Gorman!” “You’re an idiot!” Aw, man. If I had a dollar for every time I berated myself for a social…